I keep holding out for that sign

The end of this chapter has brought nothing but hate, sorrow, and wonder. Now this book is one that I must put down, I'm not strong enough to see what happens next. As I put this scarred, tattered, dirty book back up on that shelf. I'll look at it from time to time, but I'm afraid of what its ending has in store. I continue to go back and reread the good parts of chapters 1-21 over and over again, but I'm afraid to see what 22 and so forth have in mind. I wish it could have just ended mid chapter, that ending is one I could love forever... A book that would be so great people envy what it had. But nothing in life or books make sense, and nothing ends happy, if it does, then it's not the end yet. Yesterday I thought I was ready to finish the book, to see what it had in store, I dove into chapter 22 with hesitance, it continued to hurt to read the words on the page, then it started getting better, my brain was numbed and the words were not sticking. But then recaps of 1-21 interfered, the smell of the book came back and brought back the past. I'm not ready to read chapter 22 yet, I'm not ready to finish the book. I'm stuck on chapters 20-21, the good parts, the envious parts. I put the book back up, I'm not walking away just yet, but lingering my shaking fingers over the bindings. Tracing its scars, it's battle wounds. The texture so very much missed. This book has so much torture. There is so much pain and heart-ache happened in this book, it's almost a tragedy. I should burn it, find a new book to start. Maybe find some peace, if I can't have the ending I desire from those worn out pages. I keep holding out for that sign of a happy ending. But I'm to afraid of knowing that the pages won't give me what I desire.

Now if only I had a match.  

The Frozen Wasteland...

A few months ago this place was filled with laughter, children swimming, dogs barking, boats speeding by. Now its a wasteland of death. The warmth of the sun had taken with it the joy and liveliness that this place thrived on.

Now I walk the small path leading to the waters front. Alone and chilled, I search for a hint of life in the vast nothing. The swings that were once in constant motion, have frozen in time. The crippled trees stand motionless and covered in snow, waiting for life to be breathed back into them. I stop mid-walk to listen, but the only thing I can hear are the waves, and the faint whisper of a child's laugh. A slight breeze hits the back of my neck causing my skin to quiver, and I continue on my journey. The cement path abruptly replaced by rock and sand. My destination is reached as I stand on the small ledge of rocks plummeting into the lake front. The hint of wind causing tiny waves to crash into the mossy rocks as the twigs stuck among them attempt to shake free of their icicle covered tomb. They have no chance, their life has departed, and they will forever be stuck among the crashing waves.  

I sit on the cold rocks, my mind going crazy with thought. Looking at those twigs, I feel home, sitting next to them, stuck in this cold, damp, place clawing to escape but have no hope of life. I feel home as I shiver, looking out into the rhythmic water. My drive for life slowly seeps out through my numbed fingers. My body begins to join the crippled trees and frozen swings as the vines creep up my back pulling me down forcing me into the wasteland. I stop resisting, it's a bitter comfort knowing I'm wanted.

Eventually the pain of death, the departure of my dignity and being will be but a memory as I sit, trapped, motionless in this wasteland. Waiting for that one day to be picked up and breathed back to life.

Dying hopes of a Romantic...

We as women have always grown up in a world of romance and happily ever afters. All the story books we read, and Disney movies we watched always had the prince charming coming to rescue the damsel in distress, and they ride off into the sunset singing. Of course this is not what true romance looks like, there is no singing into the sunset or a kiss that awakes the dead, but it's still there, and will forever be there if you try hard and find the one you are to live happily ever after with.

This is my belief, I have always believed that there is that one person out there to be the yin to my yang. Someone to be head over heels for me even when where 80. My life is that of Noah in The Notebook, I have always believed that one day I would win the love of my sweetheart and that there would be never ending romance until the day we die. I'm not a realist in anyway. I believe in the future and always am optimistic that love will prevail. But now I'm starting to think otherwise. I will always be who I am, the hopeless romantic that seems to be 'perfect' because of the romantic things I do, but if I don't have it in return, I can't continue on the path I have always seen myself leading. I can't think of the perfect wedding and life if I am told to double think the 'what if' possibilities. Everyday I am struggled with the idea of not being loved as I have mistakenly thought I was. There are words that keep ringing in my ears of being too much into this, and that a bullet taken is only one way. Is what I have always hoped with this just a dream? That my reality will soon be shattered by more words of fake promises? Words uttered months ago of what a future holds have no meaning anymore if I am to be a realist.

I what my Noah and Ally. I want to be crazy in love for years and years, I want a bullet taken for me if the opportunity arose because I would do the same. I want to know that I mean as much as I have believed to be. I don't want a love that is a 'just cause' love. That suffices for the time being because well there is nothing else. I want the forever I see my future as. Realists might think that happily ever after is just for Disney movies, but IT'S NOT! I am not like the everyone else out there. If there is to be a happily ever after, then there will be. But I can't be the only one to believe it and I can't be the only one trying for it.

So if it's what it is seeming to outline. You can sing your songs of what ifs and short romances, while I sing my songs of love with someone who sings in the same tune as me. I don't want to wake up one day to hear a goodbye and have my dreams of true love shattered.

Who am I?..

I am...
Leiha, 21year old, female, woman, an adult, a child, daughter, sister, the youngest, friend, aunt and niece.
 Irish American, white, Minnesotan, a US citizen, a lesbian and spouse.
 Semi-smart, writer, reader, my own artist, car owner, book lover, movie addict. Conservative and moderate, a helper, kind, a fixer and mender, empathetic, scared, and scarred. Annoyed and a partial profilist. Coffee lover, role model, teacher, a health nut, pet and shoe lover, high school graduate of 2007, retired softball player, and internal map.
 A future Occupational Therapist, mother and wife.

I am...unique... and well... Me. :)

Barack Hussein Obama... The American Whoops...

I bet all of us American's are really sticking our foot in our mouths now for deciding Obama would be a great president.. Hmmm... Let's see the only plus that came from electing Obama was his skin color and the idiocracy that went behind this backwards ass up American 'freedom to the underpriviledged' people.

I'm getting really sick of all the whiney-rights for minority-don't hurt the terrorist, Democrats. Today's society is full of all those liberal people loving individuals, especially on the U of M campus. For 20 years of my life I could care less about politics, left leaning Liberals or right sided neo-nazi Conservatives. But I've seen the light. Universities all over the place are over crowded with Liberals sweet talking their way into young-childish-college student-minds brainwashing them that Democrat is the way to be. It's the right of the people, equality for all, hell we don't even want rules type of people. Democrat is not the way to run America. I mean, look who our president sadly is.

Of course I'm not saying McCain is the better choice, but at least he is a little better than Obama. Oh sure cue in the 'your a racist' shouts and tomato throwing from the rooftops. Again another sign that America has gone weak. The racist card is pulled anytime a 'white' person says something to the overly touchy 'unwhite' population. A black girl gets her luggage randomly checked at the airport, that definitely screams racism. Especially when just minutes before a old white lady sitting in a wheelchair was also checked. Or how about asking a black college student to turn down his music because the bass was rattling my ceiling as I tried sleeping at 1AM, that definitely screams racism too. There is real racism out there, and just because you had some 'white' person make you do something you didn't want to do, doesn't mean they hate you because of your skin color. This world is full of idiots, and no I'm not racist because I think that young 'hoodlums' of any skin color are exactly that, hoodlums and I don't trust them walking behind me or sitting next to me on the bus. This is what happens when Barack became president. It all of a sudden gave free reign to call anyone racist for the tiniest of things, and gave access to terror through our streets because well 'my president is black, I can do whatever I want, because my homie has got my back.' Sorry to break it to you, but no he really doesn't. He's more worried about making sure a Mosque is built.

Ok now that my rant about idiotic democrats is semi over. Now how's about this Obama huh? Born in Hawaii, oh huh... I guess America didn't really do their background check on this guy before we decided to let him rule. So let's see, he says he's Christian and NOT Muslim. A.K.A. it was a form of Muslim attack who terrorized our country not too many years ago, if you can remember back to a certain date. 9/11, ringing a bell? So Barack HUSSEIN! Obama is most definitely not Muslim with a middle name like that. He definitely doesn't  honor the muslim faith with his white house fasting for Ramadhan. Or how about the fact that he refused to attend the Boy Scouts 100th yr. Anniversary (which is Christian based) because he didn't want to cause any attention and maheim in the streets, but doesn't mind using thousands of dollars to fly around in a fancy jet or draw attention to his parade of cars down cities streets. His Christian based church "Chicago's Trinity United Church of Christ Parish" he said he attended throughout his years before presidency has a afrocentric, racist and white-people-hating pastor and roots in the church. OH HUH! Now here comes the fun part of this rant. The fact that
1: Obama created his own little circle symbol, his own super hero logo that he replaces for the American FLAG on his suit jacket!

2: He is in favor of the Mosque building by ground zero. Talk about a slap in the face. Nothing says F' you America like buildng a 13 story Mosque to shadow ground zero. To honor the 'falling Muslim soldiers'. Honestly how stupid has America become? Imam, the man behind the Mosque building has some nerve. Of course he refuses to build it elsewhere, even though there isn't a Muslim within a mile of where the Mosque wants to be built. Or how about the fact that there are about 100 Mosques in that area already. There truly is no need for that Mosque except to spit in our faces. It is said that Muslims will build Mosques or some form of a monument over the things they've defeated, Hamas (the terrorist group in the middle east) has plubicly endorsed this Mosque being built. OHH HUH! You know what Shea Law is? It's the Muslim law of basically taking over a country, taking over the Christian faith. Imam also wants that to be passed in the US. And what happens if we say no? They SCREAM RACISM! and we shake in fear of the word.

3: Or how about the all famous Underwear Bomber, who idiotically set his 'dingy' on fire while trying to blow up yet another plane. And what does the US government do? Send him to the best Burn Treatment Center in the whole country. While Obama sits and complains about how terrible the US's health care is. I don't care if that idiot needs to pee through a tube his entire life, he doesn't deserve top of the line healthcare for his terrorism.

4: This one is my favorite, guess what type of religious background Kareem Shora "who is part of our National Homeland Security" has. You guessed it folks, MUSLIM! and who approved of this Muslim in our National Homeland Security? Obama and his Democratic followers. Or how about Keith Ellison, who sadly was elected into MN's own government. Who decided he wanted to get back in touch with his Muslim side and changed his faith to Muslim in College, and was then sworn in to congress on the Qaran! Wow we really are going soft in the US.

I tell ya folks, this country is going to S***. And I will be the first standing in line saying, "HA I told you so" as I'm getting on a plane to Australia. Hopefully this little bit of insight on our oh so amazing freedom for all President, knocks some sense into the still loving Democrats, and help us all impeach the idiot. So don't even get me started on the Illegal Immigrants.

The ugly, the good, the lucky star...

Oh Spring Break! Every year you don't seem to let me down when it comes to something going screwy... This year was no exception!

The Friday started out like every other. 6:30AM wake up for Volunteering. Later that night my weekly drive up to Anoka to get my gal Erin. As always, getting annoyed with the never ending traffic, and the over played mainstream songs on the radio. Nothing can bring me back down from annoyance but some good 'ol Modest Mouse. I start to sing (terribly) 'I've got it all', as I snail crawled to my detour to dodge traffic. Exiting off the highway I snicker as I look in the rear-view at all the idled people still clenching their steering wheels in frustration.. Getting closer to my destination, I start to get a strange feeling, like something is off. Man I tell ya, karma, is no angel my friends. It is a B... if you know what I mean. Coming to a halt in the turning lane at one of THE busiest intersections in Anoka, Karma reared its ugly head! My blinkers started spazzing like an ADHD kid off ritalin! Engine did a little *putt* *putt* right before it dies. DIES! In the middle of rush hour, and did I mention it was at one of the most busiest intersections in Anoka? My mind and body go into immediate freak out mode as I frantically try to start up my car with no success. Turning on the hazards I speed dial mommy as I shrink back to being 7. Tears begin to roll as mom's cell goes to voicemail. I call home, but she's not their either.

Trying to figure out how I can get my car out of this situation, my eyes focus enough to see a mechanics shop across the intersection.  Lucky me, now I just had to get it there. Two minutes later, but what felt like hours, karma decided to ease up some more as an ever handy Anoka Sheriff Squad pulled some teens over across the street from me. After dialing mom a few dozen more times to no success, I hop out and high-tail it to Mr. Hand-on-his-pistol Sheriff. I try to steady my voice as my entire body shakes like I just had 20 cups of coffee, and manage to squeak out a few words of distress. Mr. Sheriff finished up with the teens and jumped the median on his trusty steed to come rescue the damsel in distress and called in some re-enforcements for a second Mr. Sheriff to stop traffic for my little Leiha parade. We concluded that he was going to bumper push me through the intersection and right into the arms of the automotive. So I don't know about you, but I've never driven a car in neutral with literally NO brakes. After a slow push to the automotive, a little bit of damage to my already saddened car, and few of my 9 lives lost, my car came to a halt and I was safe!

Erin got dropped off a few minutes later and sweet talked our way into a free conclusion that my alternator was kaput, and also saved me $200 on getting it replaced that day. Thank you baby :)...

The moral of this story?...
- Karma sucks, cars are too fricking expensive, it definitely pays to be a girl, and although 9 times outta 10, we really don't want cops to show up. In this case, they are my life savers!~
     Shout outs to all my heroes that day; Anoka 5ohh, Erin, Stace (pops), Chase (friend and car fixer-upper), my lucky star (wherever that came from), and the good 'ol automotives who didn't charge me :)...

Our dreams are our domain...

Every night we recite the same lines, our love never falters. And we fall deep into sleep, hoping to be reunited in our dreams.  Distance may keep our bodies, but our dreams are our domain. I transform the darkness, slowly you come into focus, and we’re dancing. Your body up close to mine, hand in hand, we glide across the glassy floor.  It’s only you and I baby, how we said it would always be. You lean into me, completely at ease as I make our bodies sway.

Bit-by-bit the walls begin to melt; the floor vanishes as we fall into a field of meadow grass. The blades rhythmically flow in clumps of liquid waves. My hands mimic their movements across the crisp air. My body nostalgic, drops down, yours follows. Our figures radiating summer heat, I trace the outlines of your ivory skin, and looking into your eyes, become entranced by their golden glow. My hands move to your face as I draw a map of every delicate detail.  Gradually you reveal your weapon as that smile begins to sweep. Reality is easy to hide, but dreams reveal my weakness as I try to shake the stream of butterflies departing.  Your smile widens with the awareness of your impact. My body is frozen by the touch of your fingers as they delicately make their way from my hand, to my arm, and ending entangled in my hair. You push our lips and close the distance; they lock like an unbreakable seal. There’s no hiding the explosion of butterflies this time. With the earth shattering embrace, the wind dies and an outburst of light streams across the brisk darkening sky. Thunder creeps in the distance, sending shock waves through the grassy cocoon below us.

I close the distance between our bodies to have yours slowly depart, my eyes open to see your face fade away. The feel of your skin vanishing; the taste of your lips linger as my world turns back to darkness. The thunder exchanged for a less-than-welcome buzzer, our meadow replaced with warmed pillows and covers. Reality awakens, and our desired domain rests waiting for our return. A tortured world without your embrace pulls for my presence. Until we meet again my dear, my sweet, my love…

My always…
       I love you...

Stop and smell the roses....

Not to be mean or anything, but volunteering in a hospital, or working in a hospital really makes you appreciate your health and abilities. For four hours every Friday, my OT and I visit patients with a spectra of problems, and I'm standing there thinking how badly my feet hurt from standing, or how badly I wish I was sleeping still! Some individuals can't even use their legs or wish they could get out of their beds. But are stuck there getting poked and prodded all day long.

No I'm going to preach to all of my blog followers about stopping to smell the roses and just really thinking about how fortunate we all are. We've all heard those preaches before, and they don't kick in to our sub-craniums until it hits a cord close to our hearts. Sometimes it takes an accident or for someone close to get hurt before we realize that life is short.

For me, it's volunteering in a hospital. Everyday I get a little closer to my dream of wearing in multi-colored scrubs and helping children be the best they can. When I put my Volunteer badge on and walk the corridors of Fairview, I take pride in my scrub work. I take pride that I get to run and get supplies for my OT and her patients. Because eventually I'll have my own Volunteer that I can make them do the same things. It's a process I believe all medical individuals must go through. Doing the sloppy nobody wants to do jobs until you finally get to make someone else do them. :)

Every time I am asked to get something from the clean supply closet, I smile and go get it. I come back with a smile on my face and a hitch in my giddy-up. Patients have enough crap in their lives to deal with, they don't need crabby or annoyed people helping them. So I smile, I talk to them, I make them as comfortable as they can possibly be just so they get a little happiness out of their day. Although I'm not going to lie, the patients have it pretty good. Food gets delivered to them, most have a private room. And to top it off they have cable, internet, Wii and playstations. I wish my volunteering could just be sitting there playing games with the patients! haha...

So to "not" preach. You might like to whine because you have to get up and walk to class, or go to a 9 hr. job. But just be happy you have what you have. You might wish you had a big ass speed boat and lived on lake Minnetonka in a huge mansion, but there are some people out there wishing they had a little more to eat, or a new pair of jeans because theirs have holes in them, hell even just for one more day of independence from wires and surgeries.

Un-named...

     After careful observations, I've noticed I'm more inspired to create, write, paint, draw, scream when I'm not happy. As if it's to express who I am when I can't express who I am. But I don't see myself being un-happy for a very long time. So instead of just ignoring this blog until my next emotional crisis. I decided to become un-writers-blocked. Hence the reason for my un-named title. I'm not really certain what I want to write about. I don't really have a specific topic in mind. I'm just kinda going with the flow. So be prepared. Who knows, maybe I could inspire you... Here goes...

    

    My days are usually full of hour long life draining classes and work these days. I can manage the classes just fine. But work... work is just well un-cool! I sit zombified at the large bland wooden desk, noticing the oily finger print smudges covering the polished surface. My thoughts are semi-drained by the AOLradio- new indie station (amazing music btw!). The flood of constant calls from members who have no clue how to work the internet, let alone a computer never cease to make me lose my marbles! It's amazing these people are professionals at Universities and Colleges throughout the US. You'd think they'd be smart enough to work a simple website. Hmm well I guess I wouldn't have my job if they did. Finally the phone will sit idly for a few minutes so I can answer all the emails that have the same questions! I miss the days of Summer when the phones would never ring, and no new email icons would pop up for hours! I miss working on repetitive projects and opening piece after piece of un-opened mail. But nope, today, I got to make a copy of what felt like a million checks, checking and rechecking my work. Again with the idiocy of professional staff who decide to send individual checks for over 40 people! grr!!!! mmk yeah I could go on for hours about how ridiculous some people are. 

 

I hate people, I love my music... It doesn't annoy me... Or ask stupid questions... Or have squeaky high pitched voices when telling stories on the bus...

Well time for class... Nothing better than sitting listening to the different types of parental attachment to their infants. It's funny how there are so many. You'd think there just was like attached and un-attached... :)

 

I should start an un- count down. But that would just be un-creative and un-noying.. :) 

toodles

21!!!

Ahh 21! What a great number. I think it might just have to be one of my favorites. :)
I am now looked upon as a 'legal adult' and that is a great status to obtain. I have been 21 for a little over a week and you know, the opportunities are overwhelmingly phenomenal!

My birthday was good, the sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky, it was WARM! And to top it off, I didn't get to the point of praising the porcelain god, which I am thankful for. But I did keep a constant buzz. The first initiation into 21dum was to visit the beautiful liquor store, just to announce to the world, "Yes! This is Leiha, and yes! She is 21! She is officially legal to be in here!"

The liquor store.... I entered with excited eyes, to be stopped instantaneously by a cop. After looking at my ID, then at me, then at his watch. He gives me a grin, a "right on!" and hands back the ID. I smile, but it quickly fades with the image of a bajillion rows of wines. It was going to be physically impossible to find the precise bottle of wine I had in mind. Eventually I did, grabbed some coolers and out the door I went.

The Restaurant... Later Erin, a few friends of mine and I went out to a place called the Dancing Ganesha. Now word to the wise, do not randomly enter a restaurant on a Saturday night, make reservations :). But if you all know me, I don't think ahead like that hehe. So now this is where the night got a little annoying. I started out with a good 'ol sex on the beach made especially for me by a nice tattoo sleeved bartender! It was delicious! :), and then I go to get my second drink, but apparently 21 year old's cannot drink until the day after their bday, (says a different more annoying bartender). He double checks with his boss, and then comes back free shot in hand to apologize for his stupidity. I down the sex with an alligator, and bring my mango mojito back to the table. The mint definitely helped with the spicy Indian food.

The Anoka Excursion... The night ended out in Anoka, listening to Erin's friend's band, Sunrose play. As well as creating a wicked sweet drum circle. Including some bongos, cow bells, an empty wine bottle and what are usually annoying birthday party toys. We's got rhythm.. Well all of us but Tracy ;), but we love her anyways.

I had a great night, with great people.. :) <3 ya's...