I keep holding out for that sign

The end of this chapter has brought nothing but hate, sorrow, and wonder. Now this book is one that I must put down, I'm not strong enough to see what happens next. As I put this scarred, tattered, dirty book back up on that shelf. I'll look at it from time to time, but I'm afraid of what its ending has in store. I continue to go back and reread the good parts of chapters 1-21 over and over again, but I'm afraid to see what 22 and so forth have in mind. I wish it could have just ended mid chapter, that ending is one I could love forever... A book that would be so great people envy what it had. But nothing in life or books make sense, and nothing ends happy, if it does, then it's not the end yet. Yesterday I thought I was ready to finish the book, to see what it had in store, I dove into chapter 22 with hesitance, it continued to hurt to read the words on the page, then it started getting better, my brain was numbed and the words were not sticking. But then recaps of 1-21 interfered, the smell of the book came back and brought back the past. I'm not ready to read chapter 22 yet, I'm not ready to finish the book. I'm stuck on chapters 20-21, the good parts, the envious parts. I put the book back up, I'm not walking away just yet, but lingering my shaking fingers over the bindings. Tracing its scars, it's battle wounds. The texture so very much missed. This book has so much torture. There is so much pain and heart-ache happened in this book, it's almost a tragedy. I should burn it, find a new book to start. Maybe find some peace, if I can't have the ending I desire from those worn out pages. I keep holding out for that sign of a happy ending. But I'm to afraid of knowing that the pages won't give me what I desire.

Now if only I had a match.